christabarista

christabarista @ 2009-03-09T22:01:00

2009-03-10T02:01:58Z

At Disney World until Saturday!! seee yaaaa!!

christabarista @ 2009-03-01T02:36:00

2009-03-01T07:36:53Z

143.5. Fuck plateaus. Maybe I should fast or something to kick start some weight loss?

christabarista @ 2008-05-18T16:27:00

2008-05-18T20:26:02Z

Good bye journal. Hello new journal. cmcl11

christabarista @ 2008-04-22T22:17:00

2008-04-23T02:22:46Z

I have my first nutritionist appointment tomorrow, and I'm really excited for that. I need more structure outside of IOP. I'm pretty excited for tomorrow's session. I love these girls and the support they give each other and me. I know my friends supported me, but I don't think anyone realizes how bad of a condition I was in. No one could help me except the people that specialize in it, or the girls who are really struggling. I tried so hard to help myself and cope with it for years, but I guess I just ended up making everything 39439x worse than possible. I'm starting to believe that I can beat this. I'm doing so much better, and I actually have hope now. I'm currently not too worried about my weight, since I'm losing it slowly, and eating, I feel like I'm doing well. I don't weigh myself much anymore/ The number doesn't bother me, but I rather feel happy with how I think I look, not by a scale. I'm trying to lose atleast 10 pounds by prom, and 20 by summer. That's not too much to ask for. I know I can do it.

christabarista @ 2008-02-27T23:26:00

2008-02-28T04:29:10Z

To day is the first time in a while I've cried. My mom had pictures from last year she forgot to pick up at Shoprite, and they were from aunts baby shower, the last time my mommom went out. I picked one up where she's in the background of my baby cousin just smiling, and I started to cry. I miss her so much, it still hurts so bad. She left too soon. A year ago this time I was visitng her in the hospital, crying all the time. I couldn't stand to see her like that. I'll never ever forget the time I had to say goodbye to her. She just layed there with tubes coming of her, while Brett and I had to wear plastic gloves and smocks, so we couldn't even touch her. She just layed there as the machines beeped and made her breathe. She looked so horrible, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Imagine saying goodbye to the last and only grandparent you've had for 10 years. Everytime I see a picture of her, I just cry. I miss her so much, and I hope she's in a better place now. She deserves it after years of hell from my uncle. I hope he one day realizes how all of this was his fault..

christabarista @ 2008-02-22T20:21:00

2008-02-23T02:20:12Z

I'm gonna try to start using LJ more to get a lot of my stress out, it helps a lot writing things out instead of keeping them inside.

I haven't been trying to get any guys, I know I can, but I just really don't care anymore. At least I didn't care about Bobby too much, or it would have hurt, and he didn't hurt me at all, I beat him to it. I'm talking to Matt now, and we're hanging out tomorrow, and I gues we'll see what happens. He's a really nice guy, and respects me, and he's hiliarious, it's just that he's 21, but whatever. That's always a good thing.

Now for the big subject, my weight. I'm at 158 and here are my guide lines and goals for the next few months

3/6- 153 -5 lbs
3/20 148 -5 lbs
4/3 145 -3 lbs <- goal weight - 13 lbs
4/13 140 -5
4/25 135 -5 lbs
5/1 130 -5 lbs <- long term goal -28 lbs

This is all I'm striving for, and trying to maintain through the summer, but here are some extra goals

5/20 125 - 5 lbs
6/20 120 - 5 lbs

I barely even remember seeing these numbers when I was younger, but I'm going to try hard. If I can get that skinny I can't even explain how happy I would be.

Also, what I'm trying for the hardest is to kick my bulimia. I made it through a day with no purging, and it feels so weird. I feel powerful, like I have contorl over my body. I'm trying so hard and it feels so good. I'm finally going to get rid of it, I really am. I have to learn how to control myself, and it's hard. There was 2 boxes of pizza and I wanted to eat like 5 pieces and purge them but I opted for a turkey and cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread, and I felt great! I'm so much stronger than the food is.

I've been drinking tons of water, eating lots of low-fat high-protein meals, and I'm not restricting too much, but I'm working out a lot and I'm losing the weight so fast. I've had a few plateaus, but I'm working through them. I'm going to try really hard to not fuck up and eat something bad and then have to purge it. That's what I'm most worried about, and going out to eat. Everty time before I eat something I'm going to ask myself how bad I want to be skinny

I'm obsessed with getting skinny again, and this is good for me, as sick as it seems. At least I'm not starving myself anymore, which does NOT work once you start eating. I just want to be skinnym eat sensibly, and be happy!

christabarista @ 2007-11-24T00:48:00

2007-11-24T05:50:07Z

I think lately I’ve been reading too many depressing books, and it might kind of explain my outbursts of anger and depression. Or maybe not. I just like reading books when the author is a deeply troubled person and seeing how they live or can’t live through their hardships.

I think I might just be lonely, but I can’t tell any guy my feelings but Vinnie, or they’ll think I’m a fucking lunatic, which might actually be true. Ha… I’m really starting to like Brad, but he’s a distant kind of guy. I’m all about being in connection with everyone, and he never has his phone on him, which sucks. Also, he’s so amazingly busy with wrestling, and of course it happens to be his best sport, so he’ll have no time for me. Wonderful. I always pick good guys are terrible times, but I guess it’s just my luck.

I’ve always been so independent, but I think I’m finally ready for a relationship. It’s not that I couldn’t have one before, it’s that I didn’t like the guy enough, bad timing, or I just didn’t want to. It takes a lot for me to really go out with someone. I have to know that I’m in a time where I’ll be dedicated enough to a person that I won’t cheat, because I’m always tempted by cute boys… always. I actually think that it’s my biggest weakness. I don’t fall for them easily, but when I do, I fall hard, really hard. This is when I’m the most vulnerable. I hate that feeling. I feel so weak, and powerless. I haven’t felt this way for a really long time, because I was so scorn last time. Thanks a lot Vinnie. I fell so deeply in love with him, and then I was crushed, absolutely smashed into pieces. I’ll never EVER forget the hurt that I felt. That’s why I’m so devoid of feeling anything for any man.

Once you get badly burned, you know not to touch an open flame. I’ve left that open flame untouched for a long time, and I think I’m going to reach for it again. I need love, and I can’t have it without a few burns. I’m finally accepting this now. I’m going to take a chance with Brad, no matter how much it might hurt me in the end, or it might actually not hurt at all. Some things are worth the risks, and I want to know if he’s worth it. I need to be more impulsive, and I’m changing all that today.

christabarista @ 2007-11-17T12:28:00

2007-11-17T17:35:48Z

I'm finally going to get skinny, the right way. Going to the gym, eating right, trying to finally fucking break free of my disorder.

I'm cutting down drinking, and if I do drink, only a few beers.

I'm done fucking around with a lot of guys, I just want only one guy.

I'm not going to lie to my mom as much, I hurt her way too much.

I'm going to the greatest friend possible to my friends, because I feel like I'm letting them down alot lately.

I want to be as honest as possible with everyone, and I think I've been doing a good job of that.

I'm going to try harder in school, I can't keep fucking up.

I just want to be a better person and be myself. Lately I haven't felt the same, and I don't know why. I don't feel as happy anymore, and that's not like me. I can't joke around like I used to or even take a job back without hurting someone or getting hurt. I've been way too sensitive lately, and everyone does hurt me. Every single fucking thing hurts. Everything is perfectly fine in my life, and I have so much to look forward to, but I don't feel the same as I used to. I need something to inspire me.

I don't know who the fuck's gonna read this, nor do I care. I just feel like I've been bottling up too many emotions lately.

christabarista @ 2007-04-27T06:58:00

2007-04-27T10:59:35Z

Alright it's about fucking time. I picked myself up and NO MORE FUCKING AROUND. I'm getting skinny as hell. I got 2 months, and then I'll make Vinnie's jaw drop. That's my fucking mantra.

christabarista @ 2007-04-23T18:01:00

2007-04-23T22:00:54Z

I'm done iwth feeling numb. I need to feel alive again. I have to find some sort of compassion in life again. I'm tired of being obsessed about my looks, and not having fun. I need to be free..

christabarista @ 2007-04-18T23:53:00

2007-04-19T03:52:10Z

I'm starting my water fast tomorrow.. all I'm allowing myself is water and tea for 48 hours. Let's see how long this will last..

christabarista @ 2007-04-09T02:48:00

2007-04-09T06:47:41Z

weight update
hw: 175
lw: 147
cw: 154
gw: 135
lt: 130

happy easte.. well thank god its over. it wasn't the same without mommom. :( rip</3 12 more days til formal.. 4 more pounds! i can do itttt! :)

:)

2007-03-31T18:01:53Z

things have been really good lately. i've been getting really skinny, so that always makes me happy. it's finally spring, and the weather is getting beautiful! and it's finnaly the 4th marking period, so that means SUMMER!! i can't waitt.. last night was good. chilled at mayo's crib, i paid for beer.. but i didn't drink any, but everyone's gonna pay me back. i had one hit of teh gravity bong though.. and i was wrecked for the whole night.. seriously. i didn't even wanna smoke, i thought i'd have one hit and be chilling, but i was gone. oh well! :)

weight update
hw: 175
lw: 147
cw: 156
gw: 135
lt: 130

by summer i will be 135. no lie.

christabarista @ 2007-03-21T23:51:00

2007-03-22T03:51:36Z

ugh.. vinnie :( i miss you..

christabarista @ 2006-09-28T00:25:00

2006-09-28T04:51:49Z

i still really miss vinnie. this is his girlfriend's profile.

@ Penn State!

"If God isn't a Penn State fan, why is the sky Blue and White?"

love my sexy roomies!!!

Baby I'm amazed by you <3 86

"...then they ask me where I got to college, and I say Penn State, and their excited expressions turn to shame, and all they can manage to get out is "oh"... because instantly they know that no story can top what I've done. I don't need to say a thing, they just understand. They know that their wildest night in college is just a regular Wednesday night for us. We PENN STATE kids are a special breed, and trust me, everyone else is jealous."

if only she knew... honestly. i hope they do break up when she finds out. she better find out eventually. mr reinfeldt said he went golfing in fort benning, georgia, today in mass media, and my neck almost snapped because of how fast i turned my head when he said that. i miss the summer soooooooooooooo much. everything reminds me of it, and i start to get really sad. this summer was so amazing, and i can't stop replaying the nights down the shore in my head. all i can do is smile, remembering how much fun i had. i really love school, but all i want right now is summer back. just a single night back that i spend with vinnie. why am i being so pathetic? i've never been like this over a guy i barely met. i should just get over him and be happy with russ. i hate guys that aren't a challenge like that, though. blehhh...

My heart aches while you are away,
I long for a breath of your scent,
or the touch of your finger tips,
in my soul you made a dent.

Summer has come and gone,
just like the tide each day,
but the feelings I hold for you,
never seem to go away.

Every moment I think of you,
the impact your left on my soul,
missing your speedy red car,
to hearing your life-long goals.

You left here waiting for time to pass,
it seems many people are in love with you,
she would give up her life for your kiss,
I would sell my soul for you to love me too.

my english poem dedicated to vinnie.